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The Watering Hole Weekends, girlfriends or happenings ... no knife talk allowed!

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  #31  
Old 09-19-2006, 10:03 AM
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Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.


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  #32  
Old 09-20-2006, 09:39 AM
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A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.

She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.

Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.

When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"

He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"


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  #33  
Old 09-26-2006, 08:28 AM
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Priestly Duties

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''


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  #34  
Old 09-26-2006, 11:50 AM
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The crowd had gathered at the theater to see the act billed as "The World's First Talking Dog!"

The curtain raised, and out walked the dog and his owner. The owner looks at the dog and asks, "Rover, what's on top of a house?"

The dog answers "Roof!"

The crowd groans and boos. The owner asks Rover, "What is sandpaper?"

The dog answers "Ruff!"

The crowd boos and hisses and yells. The owner asks Rover, "Who is baseball's best home run hitter?"

The dog answers "Ruth!"

The crowd starts booing and throwing things at the stage. As the dog and owner run backstage, Rover looks up at his owner and says, "Think I should have said Hank Aaron?"


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  #35  
Old 09-26-2006, 11:59 AM
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Thumbs up

Haven't seen you in a while Jamie!

Don't know enough about baseball, is Hank better than Ruth?

Jim


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  #36  
Old 09-26-2006, 05:54 PM
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit to
earn your way in here?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered,
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a
young woman.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off ... Or I'll kick the #### out of all
of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did all this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."


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  #37  
Old 09-27-2006, 05:42 AM
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G.


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  #38  
Old 10-06-2006, 08:27 AM
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One of my o-workers had a run on them:
__________________________________________________ ____________________
An unattractive, mean spirited woman barged into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

Shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she demanded of the Wal-Mart Greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"

"Yes, Ma'am, happy to oblige," said the Greeter. He chose a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am. I hope this one is okay.'

"If you'd move out of the way, I could find out!" snapped the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter said, standing aside. "You and the twins have a nice day." The woman halted. "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike."

The greeter agreed. "No they don't, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice."
__________________________________________________ ____________________
One day, a husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.
__________________________________________________ _____________________
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years!
__________________________________________________ ______________________
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was: "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

a) the Condor;
b) the Buzzard;
c) the Cuckoo; or
d) the Vulture?" T

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blond.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is c) The Cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one her friend had given her and considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "c) T he Cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Yes, that is my final answer," replied the contestant.

Moments later the host said, "That answer is . . . . . . . . . absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that Cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."


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  #39  
Old 10-26-2006, 07:50 AM
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A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."


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  #40  
Old 10-26-2006, 08:35 AM
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A rookie cop was talking to his new partner. "Have you ever arrested anyone famous?"

The older cop answered, "Well, as a matter of fact, the other day I pulled over Janet Jackson!"

"Wow, really!", exclaimed the rookie, "Was she speeding?"

"No," replied the partner, "she had a headlight out."


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  #41  
Old 12-01-2006, 09:56 AM
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Time to wake it up again:

A man left his cat with his dumb brother while he went on vacation for a week.

When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.

The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."



And another:

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."


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  #42  
Old 12-01-2006, 11:23 AM
J. Scott J. Scott is offline
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O.K.,

Since this is active again, here goes,

A patrolman was observing a four-way stop, when a car approached the intersection, stopped, and turned coming by the officers car. The policeman noticed that the man driving did not have his seat belt fastened, so he pulled in behind and lit him up.

The policeman walked up beside the driver and asked for I.D. and saw the the driver was now wering his seat belt. When the officer said to the amn, " I going to write you up because you didn't have your belt bukled"
The driver told him " I do have my belt buckled"
Policeman" When you stopped at the intersection you didn't"
Driver " YES, I did "
Policeman " No Sir, You did not have your belt buckled "
Driver " I DID HAVE MY BELT BUCKLED, If you don't believe me just ask my wife!!, She will tell you. She was right here in the car with me, not over on the side of the road eating doughnuts and having coffee, Just ask her "
Policeman " Ma'me was your husband wearing his seatbelt when he was driving at the stop sign? "
Wife " Officer, I've lived with this man for thirty-five years now and in thirty-five years I've learned this much,I never argue with him, when he's been drinking "
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  #43  
Old 12-01-2006, 02:20 PM
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Billy Grahm was getting ready to leave a revival meeting in Texas. When he got to his limo he told the driver he would like to drive the limo as it was something he had always wanted to do. The limo driver agreed because he has alwaysed wanted to ride in the back.

On I-35 they got pulled over in a speed trap by a redneck recruit. The recruit walked up to the vehicle thinking about how high he could make the ticket for someone in a limo. When he got to the window Billy Grahm rolled it down ans asked if he had done something wrong.

The recruit was obviously shaken and asked Mr. Grahm to hold on while he went back to his cruiser. He then called the local sheriff, "Boss we got a problem I pulled over someone really important in a speed trap." "Was it the Govenor?", asked the Sheriff. "No." "Was it the President?" "No, even MORE important!" "Well who could it be?", asked the Sheriff. "I think it's Jesus because he has Billy Grahm driving his limo!"


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  #44  
Old 12-03-2006, 06:50 PM
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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  #45  
Old 12-03-2006, 08:13 PM
Hukk Hukk is offline
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True Story How to Call The Police

Well something along those lines happened to me 20 years ago or so.
I noticed a drunk coming up the street with a 12 pack of beer. Turned out to be those 11 oz bottles of Lucky Lager (El Cheapo). Anyway, every so often he would stop, chug a beer and throw the empty bottle through a car window. Then he would walk a couple cars up and do it again. So, I called the police (had a brand new 4x4 truck parked on the street) and I was told that since the Sonoma County fair was going on it would be at least a half hour before they could respond. I just said, that's all right, I'll pick out a rifle and hold him until you get here and hung up. I went out and sat on the porch and waited (No Gun). Not even 2 minutes later 3 squad cars arrived and they arrested the guy. I walked up to see what was going on, turns out they knew the guy quite well and were asking him if he wanted to go to jail or Oakcrest (place for drunks to dry out AA affiliated). They asked me what I wanted and if I made a phone call. "No, I'm just seeing what's going on". That's pretty much it, had to protect the truck, I did not even have brush scatches on it yet.


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