Now, here's a kid with his act together...

From Harper's, August 1990

This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor
category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in
the May issue of _Literary Cavalcade_, a magazine of contemporary
fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City.
Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania,
and will attend New York University this fall.

3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET
TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER
THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES
YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT
HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water
for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing,
I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and
I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert
in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by
the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm
bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban
hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive
fan mail. I have been caller number nine and I have won the
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read _Paradise Lost_, _Moby Dick_, and _David
Copperfield_ in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for
the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group
of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics
do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write
it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only
a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have
won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka,
and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

I can't believe that no one has even looked at this! It's worth reading; I promise!

I looked at it the day you posted it and laughed by butt off. I can see this kid writing for Letterman or Leno one day.

Thanks, Terry- until my second post here, it still showed "0" views on the counter... maybe another ezboard bug.

Don, the counter is all messed up. I have noticed it on other posts. I have seen "0" views on a post and went to read it and then it still showed "0". I also read this right after you posted it.

Go figure.

I think I'll go to Mc D's and put this on my app : :rollin: :